Top 5 Fridays | Worst TV Dads

In light of the passing of Tom Bosley this week, I thought we’d offer a tribute to one of the greatest TV fathers of all time by making Howard Cunningham look like an even better TV Dad by casting against some of the worst TV fathers I can think of.

5. Thaddeus “Rusty” Venture (The Venture Bros.) - Father of 2*

Parental Legacy: The most notable aspect of Rusty Venture’s legacy is the way that he is totally barfing on the legacy of his own father. And if his parenting habits continue they way they have, he’ll be the last in his line anyway.
Parenting Technique:Rusty tends to favour his nebbish son Dean or Hank, although his treatment would still be described as loathsome. Rusty treats his sons like indentured servants, leaving much of the heavy lifting in the parenting department to bodyguard Brock Sampson, H.E.L.P.E.R. the robot and tenant/necromancer Dr. Orpheus.
Criminal Record: Contravening the United Nations ban on human cloning. Likely several other felonies and misdemeanors.
Hallmark Moment: Sending Hank off to die in combat against Baron Underbheit, figuring Hank would demonstrate some kind of “retard strength”.

The creators of the Venture Bros. have said the the underlying theme to the entire series is failure, and there is perhaps no more emblematic figure of this theme than Rusty Venture himself, except perhaps Hank and Dean Venture who will someday carry on the Venture torch, if they can survive without their cloned immortality.

4. Harry Morgan (Dexter) - Father of 2

Parental Legacy: A charismatic, sociopathic serial killer that divides his time between being a Dad and blood splatter analyst for the Miami police department named Dexter Morgan.
Parenting Technique: Lately, (since his death death, that is) Harry’s technique has been mostly through the use of ghostly heart to heart talks and foreboding advice.
Criminal Record: As a former cop, Harry is the only one on this list without a criminal record, even if he’s definitely an accessory to murder several times over.
Hallmark Moment: His ghost telling his son how proud he is of him for being able to balance serial killing with family life.

Those of you out there who are saying “But Harry was only trying to give Dexter the tools to survive” need to complete that thought. Harry only gave Dexter the tools to survive by training him to be a serial killer that would never get caught. Harry’s heart might have been in the right place… maybe, but couldn’t he have enrolled him in midnight basketball to get him of the path of murderousness?

3. George Bluth (Arrested Development) – Father of 5

Parental Legacy: George’s legacy could be summed up best by the Cornballer, a family activity that often ends in 1st and 2nd degree burns.
Parenting Technique: Besides George constantly pitting his children against each other to keep them competing for his affection, George was also fond of using his one-armed employee J. Walter Weatherman to teach his children elaborate lessons about why they should leave a note when they finish the milk, or not to yell while on a yacht. Those lessons usually ending with someone losing an arm.
Criminal Record: Some light… treason. George was also charged with repeated escape attempts and appears to have some outstanding warrants in Mexico for selling the Cornballer. “Soy es loco por los Cornballs!”
Hallmark Moment: Getting his son to set up a conjugal visit for him and his secretary in prison, his son mistakenly bringing his mother instead.

To be fair to the rest of the Bluth clan, this spot really belongs to just about every father in the Bluth family, including both Tobias and Michael. I suppose George gets the most credit for being the family’s patriarch, but his transgressions seem to go above and beyond with the rest of the family is up to. And for those wondering who the fifth child is, there’s Michael, GOB, Lindsay, Buster, and Anyong. “Anyong!”

2. Phillip Bauer (24) - Father of 2

Parental Legacy: For those who have wondered what kind of environment could have hatched a remorseless killing machine like Jack Bauer, you’ll find your answer in his Dad, Philip Bauer.
Parenting Technique: Philip has made use of such family bonding activities as kidnapping his grandson, murdering his own kids, and selling nuclear weapons on the black market. Otherwise, what little backstory we got on Phillip seems to paint him as overbearing and the reason that Jack left his family behind to pursue a career as a state sanctioned force of nature.
Criminal Record: Some heavy treason, along with murder and kidnapping.
Hallmark Moment: Murdering one son before his other son was able to torture information out of him relating to his treason.

Philip Bauer set a new standard on 24 for moral depravity, making it clear that there really wasn’t anyone Jack could trust. At the same time, Phillip helped make Jack look like a much better father by comparison. Murder and kidnapping kind of overshadow 7 seasons of Jack’s reckless endangerment of his own daughter. Still, I suppose the apple didn’t fall to far from the tree.

1. Homer Simpson (The Simpsons) - Father of 3

Parental Legacy: Only slightly less well known than Homer strangling his son, is Homer’s declaration that they’re heading out for frosty chocolate milkshakes. Truly, Homer Simpson’s legacy is a bipolar one. The greatest thing to come out of Homer’s loins is the genetic material that created Lisa Simpson, the greatest things about her being all the ways she’s the opposite of her Dad.
Parenting Technique: “Why you little…!” Homer seems to try an even combination of threats and intimidation, combined with bribery. If I were to attempt to sum up 21 years of Homer’s parenting, I would say that Homer parents his kids the way a teenager plays videogames – a little bit The Sims, and a little bit Call of Duty.
Criminal Record: Homer’s been charged with just about everything in the criminal code from murder to public urination, but being the only one on this list actually charged with child neglect makes him the king of this list.
Hallmark Moment: There are too many to choose from. How about when Homer brought his son to Santa’s Village so he could shoot a reindeer to avoid turning gay. Or what about the time that he was trying to engage in sexual congress with his wife while being tethered to his son? Then there’s the time he rented out his daughter’s room to a cellphone company…

That Homer Simpson was created to be the prototype of the average American should have the American Family Association and Parents Television Council crying themselves to sleep every night. It has been proven time and again that Homer really loves his kids, but doesn’t that make it worse? It’s also clear that Homer’s got the skills to be a great parent, as shown with his daycare business, his relationship with exchange student Adil, and sort of with his “little brother” Pepe. So what’s the disconnect? As Homer says, he’s a people person… who drinks.