When it comes to satisfying a need for visceral, cathartic entertainment, nothing does the trick quite like a savage beating, and since laying down a beating is against the law the best way to enjoy one is by tuning into your favourite gratuitously violent movie. Below I have assembled a collection of five of my favourite acts of savagery in what I figured were five distinct categories. While I was putting this list together I kept a few criteria in mind:
- The beating can’t result in death. If it does, it’s a murder, not a beating.
- The violence has to be pretty one-sided. Otherwise, it’s a fight, not a beating.
- While it might seem petty, if I couldn’t find a video of it online somewhere, it probably wasn’t gonna make the list. Come on, we’re visual people.
5. Menace II Society (1993) The Hughes Brothers
Beating flavour: The Sucker Punch
Perpetrator: Caine (Tyrin Turner)
Recipient: Ilena’s Cousin (Samuel Monroe Jr.)
Motivation: Ilena’s cousin was displeased with the way Caine had been “dogging” his cousin and came around to talk some sense into our young hero. Caine however has other plans in mind, and while he appears to be prepared to talk things out, he smacks Ilena’s cousin in the face and then kicks sense-talking right out of him.
Consequences: Well, Caine doesn’t get any more friendly visits from irate cousins again… for a while.
The sneaky beatdown that tends to get “Oooh!!!” out of anyone watching, the sucker punch often plays to comedic effect. In many cases, especially this one, it’s the pre-emptive strike of the beatdown family and is the only moral choice of the young protagonist trying to avoid an ass-whuppin’.
4. The Godfather (1972) Francis Ford Coppola
Beating flavour: “Don’t touch my sister!”
Perpetrator: Santino Corleone (James Caan)
Recipient: Carlo Rizzi (Gianni Russo)
Motivation: Upon finding his sister, Connie bruised and beaten at home, Corleone heir and hothead Sonny heads to the street to remind his brother in law which family members hand out the beatings to whom.
Consequences: Well, Carlo doesn’t lay another finger on Connie, but does betray Sonny to Frank Tatalia. A betrayal that doesn’t go unavenged.
This particular beating is one of the most famous public humiliations of all time, and is exactly the kind of thing that any brother of a sister can picture doling out to any punk that lays a finger on her. While it might show that Sonny is nobody to be messed with, it also shows why he could never be the Don compared to his cold-blooded brother Michael.
3. Layer Cake (2004) Matthew Vaughn
Beating flavour: Vengeance!
Perpetrator: Morty (George Harris)
Recipient: Freddie Hurst (Ivan Kaye)
Motivation: We don’t know this at the time, but many years back, notorious drunk Freddie passed out in the driver’s seat of a van carrying a Morty and a dead body in the back. Morty did 10 years in prison for Freddie’s little nap – and when a now disheveled and pitiable Freddie shows up at a local greasy spoon asking for a few quid, it’s all too much for Morty to take.
Consequences: Beyond the fact that I now see (or hear) Duran Duran in a whole different light now, Freddie winds up near death (near death) and in a coma, and Morty has to run and hide until the whole thing blows over, leaving his bodyguard client, XXXX to fend for himself.
The Sicilians say that revenge is a dish best served cold – and apparently the Klingons say the same thing. I say: Bullocks! Revenge is a dish best served with fists, feet, headbutts and tea, all to the sounds of Duran Duran. Ten years in prison, followed by however many more years afterwards, with this need for revenge simmering beneath the surface, a plea for a few quid triggers an explosion over breakfast and finish with a coma.
2. Shaft (2000) John Singleton
Beating flavour: The Police Beating
Perpetrator: John Shaft (Samuel Jackson)
Recipient: Malik (Bonz Malone)
Motivation: If John Shaft is gonna get the job done, he needs to look out of number one… Shaft is looking for some information, and in return for said information he agrees to make sure that local drug pusher Malik stays the hell away from 12 year old Tony.
Consequences: I doubt Malik will be going near Tony any time soon, or any of the kids around the block for that matter. That, and Shaft knows where his next scene in the movie starts.
Like there wasn’t gonna be a police beatdown in here… Although Shaft wasn’t technically a cop when he was dishing this one out, it was at least witnessed (and kind of abetted) by 3 other cops. I’ve gotta believe that at least 75% of cops have fantasized about laying the smackdown like this on some punk at least once in their career. Or am I wrong? This particular police beating is raw, deliberate, and most importantly, utilitarian.
1. Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels (1998) Guy Ritchie
Beating flavour: The Papa Bear
Perpetrator: Big Chris (Vinnie Jones)
Recipient: Dog (Frank Harper)
Motivation: Local tough guy Dog wants his money back so he threatens to cut the throat of the son of even tougher local guy Big Chris.
Consequences: I’m sure that Dog won’t be acting tough around the neighbourhood anymore and that Big Chris will remember to check the backseat of any car he gets into from now on.
This is another form of family retribution, but I think it comes from a more primal place, involving the protection of one’s own offspring. This act of savagery, a tender moment in a way, marked the debut of soccer notable Vinnie Jones and was likely the moment Brits were all waiting the entire film to see.
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