Ive never really been the kind of guy to follow organized sports, or really play them even. Movies are a jealous mistress and will suffer no challenger for her attention. But sometimes I cam find a compromise with movie that does a good job exploring what makes a particular sport special, and more importantly weave together a great group of characters to form a great team. The best thing about watching sports in movies? The wins or losses always have some kind of cosmic significance or poetic justice – the same can’t be said for real life. So bearing in mind that I’m certainly not qualified to make any of these calls, here are my picks for the best fictional sports teams:
5. Texas State University Fightin’ Armadillos (Necessary Roughness, 1991)
These guys deserve a spot on this list for this trailer alone, hailing from a time when trailers were more like haiku versions of the films they were advertising. Anyways, despite the clearly B-list cast (uh, not counting Robert Loggia?), this movie turned in a great underdog story in the spirit of Major League (which was about a real team – that’s why they’re not on this list) with some feelgood moments and laughs just like they made way back in the 90s. When the entire Texas State University football team is suspended for a variety of scandalous charges, the coaches are forced to build up a new team from scratch, including 30 year old freshman Paul Blake (Scott Bakula) and grad student Andre Krimm (Sinbad). Interestingly enough, the story is based on something that happened at Southern Methodist University.
4. Miami Sharks (Any Given Sunday, 1999)
These guys were the inspiration for doing this list. Oliver Stone did such a great job of constructing the world inhabited by the Sharks that I really believed there was this other professional football league in the States. Populated by such actors as Dennis Quaid, LL Cool J, Jamie Foxx, and former Dancing with the Stars contestant Lawrence Taylor. Oliver Stone’s approach to the film gave us an unprecedentedly close view of play action on the field, but the highlight of this film is what happened off the field, in the locker room. Al Pacino’s final halftime pep talk, known to some as the “Inch Speech” ranks among one of his better tirades, which is saying something when we’re talking about Al Pacino. Check out the speech below.
3. Gryffindor Quidditch Team (Harry Potter 1-6, 2001-2009)
If we’re talking about fictional sports teams, how can we not add in a fictional sport? I remember that before the movies were even being made that they wouldn’t be able to conceive of how to bring quidditch to life – man was I happy to be so wrong. If you ask me, it blends together the best parts of soccer and hockey – and maybe curling? (or broomball?) The Gryffindor team didn’t exactly have the greatest track record in the Hogwarts league, but the addition of The Boy Who Lived certainly raised their profile. For the years we were privy to their games they won the Quidditch Cup three times – although I don’t think golden boy Harry Potter was on board for two of those victories. Clearly he wasn’t the x-factor.
2. Dillon Panthers (Friday Night Lights)
What kind of a FNL fan would I be if I didn’t include the Dillon Panthers on a list like this? Only, I guess I’m actually a fan of the East Dillon Lions now that Coach Taylor, the heart of this team, is working there now. Based on book about a real team in Texas, Dillon itself doesn’t actually exist, but the characters woven in both the film and the woefully overlooked television series were so tenderly crafted and nurtured to life by the writers and cast of the show, turned it into a town as real as Deadwood. Friday Night Lights is really the only way I like to watch football – when every single play you see is meant to hit all the right emotional notes. Sure, they’re a high school team, but they’ve got more heart than The Program and Rudy put together.
1. Charlestown Chiefs (Slap Shot – 1977)
If there’s a teams that looks more like they’ve been stuck in a foxhole together too long, I haven’t found it. They’re like some kind of chain gang on ice – 1 part AA meeting, 2 parts Turkish wrestling team with barely a splash of dignity. The Chiefs have never been topped in the under-explored world of cinematic hockey, and are way beyond The Longest Yard as far as pure thuggism. It’s never been clear to me exactly how it came to be that Paul Newman wound up in this movie, but with the unstoppable combination of him and the Hanson Brothers we’ve got a team that can captivate both the high brow and low brow sports lover… Paul Newman’s the low brow, right? My only complaint? Why the heck is the greatest hockey movie ever made isn’t even Canadian? How does that happen?
I have no doubt that I’ve missed a few, but what are they? Bring ‘em on! My teams can take your teams any day!
The Mighty Ducks weep for you.
I shudder to think at the pile of human waste a young Paul Newman could reduce Emilio Estevez into. Even the NHL team that bears their name couldn’t stand to keep the “Mighty” part…
Did our Any Given Sunday discussion trigger this list cuz I almost did the same thing!
That is exactly what brought that on. After making my way through some of the Oliver Stone collection there was no way I could put it off anymore. Who were your picks gonna be?
Still working on it but I had the Sharks and was considering the Bad News Bears!
Yeah, Thornton’s Bad News Bears weren’t so bad themselves, although you’d have some explaining to do if you blew off the classic. What about one of the Rollerball teams?
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“OLD TIME HOCKEY!!!”
Great choice! You know it’s a good choice when I wasn’t even thinking about The Chiefs and BAM! There they are!
(I might also have included the New York Knights from the Natural. I mean who could forget Roy Hobbs replacing Bartholemew “BUMP” Baily! — “I lost it in the sun!”)
But Great Choice with The Chiefs! My hats off to you sir!
Cheers, Smith! The New York Knights were on the shortlist, and looking back, having them on there would have given the list some much needed variety of sports. The Knights were a little more about just Hobbs and not enough about everybody else, so that marked them down a few notches. But yeah, there couldn’t have been a list without the Chiefs. The remain an iconic team to this day, which is no small feat considering hockey isn’t exactly super popular south of the border compared to baseball and football.