Top 5 Fridays – Reasons to take the bus

You’ve got all kinds of choices when it comes to figuring out how to get around the city. But if you’re like me and rarely have access to your own set of wheels, and you’d rather punch yourself in the nuts than ride your bike, you might opt to take a taxi to get from point ‘A’ to point ‘B’ (and on weekends, to point ‘C’). Well, if movies have something to teach us about taking a cab, it’s that you might be better off opting for public transportation, and I’m not just talkinng about carbon offsets here. See, cabbies are a strange and dangerous bunch, and when they’re not busy ignoring Shaft, they’re shooting up brothels, sparking police chases or taking their fares back in time. Compiled below, I have the 5 best reasons to not to “follow that cab!” (A phrase I once used in a bonafide New York City taxicab) and spare yourself some anxiety.

5. Korben Dallas (Bruce Willis in The Fifth Element) - Sure, the guy saved the universe from destruction, but big deal. The guy can’t even afford his own cab, he’s gotta borrow one from his buddy Finger. And how does he repay that kindness? He gets it shot up by space cops, has the roof smashed in by a supreme being, and tears out the on-board computer after it tells him he’s run out of demerit points. As far as I can recall in fact, he got managed to get fired from his job (although that was more related to business decisions made by Mr. Zorn, but we don’t need to get into that.) Got a problem with aliens taking over an intergalactic cruise ship? Sure, Korben’s your man. Need someone to smack Chris Tucker around? I can think of nobody better. Want to make it from your futuristic sky-rise apartment to your office in one piece? Stick with the hovertrain, because on his 4 a day smoking habit, he can get a little edgy.
Danger factor: Extreme. He’s a great guy to have around when the universe is getting ready to collapse in on itself, but as far as cab drivers go, he’s a danger to everyone in the sky. His danger factor is about 7.

4. Daniel Morales (Samy Naceri in Taxi) – Before we get into any of his multitude of moving violations, I would like to point out that any man that would pass up conjugal time with Marion Cotillard so he can go line up for his hack license has got to have ice-water in his veins, and anybody with no zest for life should not be trusted behind the wheel of a car. Another creation of Luc Besson, as a proud self-styled outlaw, with an army of scooter riding scofflaws at his beckon call, Daniel is a hotbed of criminality. Combine that with his modified Peugeot 406, and his total disregard for posted speed limits you’ve got a loose canon on the roads of Marseilles, scooping up harmless old ladies and making off with their homemade sandwiches. All his assistance to the local constabulary aside, Daniel bears his good deeds as a mark of shame, and would much rather be breaking posted speed limits than outsmarting Mercedes-driving bank robbers. To be honest, Marseilles is the perfect city for a stroll, so I’d go that way.
Danger factor: The havoc he wreaks mostly results in his fares throwing up upon leaving his cab, so I’m giving him a danger factor of about 4.

3. Benny the Cab (Charles Fleischer in Who Framed Roger Rabbit) – I’m sure you won’t have occasion to take a cab to Toontown, but if it were to happen, keep an eye out when you cross the street ’cause there’s something lurking out there taking on fares and breaking traffic laws. If you ask me, Benny represents the worst aspects of KITT: a talking car that can actually take over the driving even if you don’t want him to. The thing I don’t get is that a cabbie that is actually is a cab himself could show so many signs of terrible driving, including his severe tire damage from being dipped and being pulled over by the weasels for driving on the sidewalk. I’ll hand it to him, he is Johnny on the spot when it comes to getting hailed, even Buggin’ Out might be able to get a ride if he stuck his thumb out just the right way, I just don’t know if I can vouch for the safety of everyone between him and his fare if he just shows up out of nowhere – that’s a lot of road to cover in no time at all.
Danger factor: Take heart in the fact that Benny usually spends his time on the Acme lot or cruising the streets of Toontown, so his antics happen away from prying eyes. He gets a 3.

2. The Ghost of Christmas Past (David Johansen in Scrooged) – Despite what movies and television seem to portray, we won’t all have our Christmas Carol moment where we can look back on our past Christmases and see where we went wrong. But if you do, make sure you have your bus pass handy, because this is one cabbie that’s gonna take you the long way round. The Ghost can apparently count Attila the Hun amongst his fares, and has a knack for driving his cab in an out of poignant episodes in a scroogy man’s life. As a spectral figure that appears in the form of Buster Poindexter, his cab rides go on the sidewalk, against traffic and occasionally detour through your past life’s mistakes. What’s worse is the guy’s got a penchant for blowing surprises for Frisbee the dog “It’s a bone you lucky dog!!!”
Danger factor: Given his ethereal nature, he’s only a threat to jerks and other ghosts. Buster gets a 4.

1. Travis Bickle (Robert DeNiro in Taxi Driver) – On the surface, if you can get past the mohawk, as a taxi driver, you could do worse than Travis Bickle. He doesn’t drive too erratically, he tries to make pleasant conversation, and he won’t try to scam you on the fare either. When you get down to the nitty gritty though, Travis is an insomniac angry loner fixated on a young prostitute with a predilection for stalking pimps and politicians. When you step into his cab, you can’t be sure if he’s taking you to a bloodbath, or perhaps to an X-rated movie. Either way, make sure you don’t talk smack around him, because he will call you on it “You talkin’ to me?”What might turn you off riding in cabs at all, at least in New York, is that Travis really isn’t distinguishable from any other hack out there, making a powerful argument for taking the subway where you can deal with street gangs like the Furies, the Turnbull ACs or the Lizzies.
Danger factor: I guess it depends. If you’re Harvey Keitel, I’m thinking 10. If you’re Jodie Foster, I’m thinking 3. If you’re the average joe… how about 6?